Carbonite Dreams

In honor of International Geek/Nerd Day, I offer up this small theory regarding the Star Wars films. This came to me fully formed, so much so that I have spent time searching the innerwebtubes to see if someone else had come up with first. If so, then I bow to their genius, for it has lain in my subconscious like a nerdbomb, only exploding last night.

Therefore, let me posit this: That the Star Wars films ended with The Empire Strikes Back. The following film--and so far the concluding chapter of the entire saga--The Return of The Jedi--never happened.

In fact, Return of The Jedi was nothing more than Han Solo's dream while he lay encased in carbonite.

There is a surprising amount of evidence to support this.

On a purely cinematic level, Return simply doesn't fit with the narrative direction the series had taken. With A New Hope, there was a general sense of optimism and adventure to the film, where any losses the characters endured (death of relatives/planet/Jedi mentor/evil space station) were relegated to a few seconds of said characters looking sad before carrying on as if nothing had happened. A New Hope wasn't about the cost of relationships, about death, or anything related to maturity. It was an adventure for young children of all ages, both for the viewers and the characters on-screen. To that end, it succeeded very, very well.

The next film in the series, The Empire Strikes Back, takes a more mature perspective. The very title of the film indicates this story is about consequences. After destroying the Death Star and putting a dent in the Empire's fortunes, our heroes now have to deal with what happens next.

The first big battle in the film on the snow planet of Hoth serves a great contrast to the war over the Death Star: gone are tiny ships flying over a grey, industrial space station, replaced with real human beings fighting a trench battle against overpowering machines. There is no last second heroics of Luke Skywalker to save the day this time--in fact, his actions barely make a difference at all. This time, our heroes face defeat, and instead of victory, have to hope to escape.

In contrast to New Hope's focus on adventure and optimism, Empire deals primarily with pain. There is the physical pain of Luke surviving the encounter with the Wampa, Chewbacca and Han being tortured by Imperial forces on Bespin, and back again to Luke when he loses his hand to Vader in the film's climactic lightsaber battle. There is also the emotional devastation suffered by Leia and Chewbacca when Han is encased in carbonite and taken away by Boba Fett, and Luke's horror at realizing who his father is. Yet even before such obvious traumas, there is the undercurrent that runs through the film of our heroes simply worrying about each other.

For example, take Han Solo. Han worries about Luke when he doesn't return from patrol on Hoth, Han worries about rescuing his friends from the Imperial blockade, Han worries that he's made the right decision by trusting Lando, and even when he's facing possible death, Han worries about the fate of Leia and Chewbacca moreso than his own. Like everyone else in Empire, he is a man under great and telling stress.

Which is what growing up is about. After the childhood of A New Hope, Empire showed us the cost of friendships, it showed us how not to be selfish, and most of all, it showed us that there is a cost to everything. The Empire Strikes Back is a film about growing up, about starting to see the world with true eyes, about the adolescent realization that maybe the world isn't always a storybook that ends happily every time.

So, then, Return Of The Jedi should have been a film for adults. A movie that elaborated on the themes of cost, of having our heroes make decisions that they would not have been capable of in A New Hope, since both they and their audience had grown. Our heroes would now be more mature, both in terms of their relationships with each other and the problems they faced against the Empire. While still fun and entertaining, Return should have been the final counterpoint to the youth of the first film, a darker core to the story balancing both the series and the characters' growth.

Well, as we know, it wasn't. It had teddy bears and improbable revelations, slave girl outfits and ludicrous escapes. Return seemed horrified by the decisions made in Empire, and then fled screaming back to the playroom of A New Hope, slamming the door against the narrative demands made by the previous film. It aborted any movement forward, throwing cute at viewers who should have been ready for grand storytelling on an emotional, Arthurian level.

Which is why I like to think it simply didn't happen. That Han dreamt the whole damn thing.

Now that makes more sense than trying to accept Return as the next logical step in the series. As Han was flashfrozen in the carbonite slab, we've already seen how stressed the poor man was. So upon entering a dream state, his first thoughts would turn to his friends. Looking at Return in that way, it all makes sense.

THE RESCUE

Who else would Han have rescue him than Leia? It would prove how much she cared for him, and in the guise of a bounty hunter, the same mercenary scum who caught him in the first place? There is some deep, deep psychology there.

As for the slave outfit, well, Han's a guy. And since Leia is all about reserve, and the slave girl outfit isn't, it makes sense. And did I mention that Han's a guy?

As for the battle on the skiff, the clumsiness of Luke using his Jedi powers can be explained by Han's lack of understanding of the Force. As far as we know, Han has never met any of the 'powered up ' Jedi from the first trilogy, so he's never seen any of the derring do and high flying bullshit the old Jedi could deal out. Han has seen Luke wear a blastshield and swipe at a targeting ball. He may have heard a bit about Luke's summoning of the lightsaber on Hoth, but for the most part, Luke is still just a 'kid' to Han. So even if he's a Jedi, he's still that little whiny brat he picked up on Tatooine. He's never going be a threat to Han's own awesomeness.

And the rescue of Lando? Just Han telling himself how he is the better man. He would never turn his back on a friend, even if Vader had him by the scruff of the neck and his toes were scrabbling above the ground. Rescuing him from the Sarlaac just proves that point.

THE DAGOBAH SCENES

These could be problematic, since Han has never met Yoda or perhaps even heard of Dagobah. But...but... Yoda did look into the future in Empire and told Luke of what could transpire if he chose to go to Bespin. Yoda would have had to see Han and Leia in that vision, and perhaps that small contact left a mark on Han's subconscious. I'm going with that.

THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR

Again, Han shows his love of Lando as he envisions him as the one who destroys the Death Star, redeeming him from his betrayal on Bespin. Han chooses to go with Luke and Leia to Endor itself, both because he misses Luke (having not seen him since Hoth) and because this gives him more alone time with Leia. Chewbacca and the droids come along because they are really the only family Han truly has, so it's vacation time in the forest world.

Forests have great psychological value in dreams, being places of mystery and discovery. Here's where it get weird.

Perhaps because of the discomfort of carbonite, Han's subconscious begins to seek comfort from his childhood memories. Perhaps he had a teddy bear as a kid on Corellia, or even a stuffed Ewok doll. (Or knowing Corellians, a real stuffed Ewok.) So he populates the forest with them, and even has C-3P0 tell them bedtimes stories. Having created the perfect childhood playground, Han's turns his thoughts towards towards Leia and Luke again. In a discussion with Leia, he again does the right thing when he offers to step aside if Leia is in love with Luke. Han will simply not betray a friend. He then 'reveals' to himself that Luke and Leia are both brother and sister, primarily because he met the two of them at the same time (within hours, apparently) and they already shared a previous connection (Luke was trying to rescue Leia) that predates his ties with Leia himself. This also highlights Han's unease with his relationship with Leia, which can be traced back to his light hearted questioning about the feasibility of a relationship between the two of them seen in A New Hope. (Han asks Luke if he thinks a guy like him and a princess could work, which Luke quickly answers in the negative.)

The battle to get into the field generator--which is all about getting doors to open so that Han can lay a charge inside--speaks for itself.

In the end, the Empire is defeated by Han's friends, with the destruction of the Second Death Star seemingly being the final blow to an empire who still realistically has an entire galaxy under its control. This bit of unreality is just Han wrapping up the story for himself the way a child would, with fireworks and dancing bears. In the end, everything is as Han would have wanted it: his friends safe, his enemies gone, and the woman of his dreams warm in his arms.


While in reality, he still lies embedded in carbonite, in the dim light of Jabba's throne room.

At least, in my version he is....

Drinking The Kool-Aid With G.I.Joe

So after almost a year, I thought I'd sit down and watch G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It's the long weekend, after all, and if this isn't the time of year to make bad decisions that you regret almost instantly, then when is it?

So it is with much concern for my well being and critical faculties that I must report that, over all, G.I. Joe isn't bad. In fact, when putting this film up against The Phantom Menace, it comes across as a cinematic gem. Even without taking my customary potshot at the worst of all Star Wars movies, G. I. Joe is actually quite enjoyable.

Of course, going in with no expectations outside of seeing a travesty may have helped, or that may just be me holding onto some shred of indie geek cred. The worst part of the film had to be the shoe-horned in alleged comedy of Marlon Wayans, but even that wasn't as teeth grindingly bad as I had feared. So, you see, it does help to always expect the worst.

Over that past two years, I have become a bit of Joe fan, reading most of what IDW puts out. I know the characters enough to know where the film deviated a bit (the Baroness is all out evil, which is why she's so hot, but Sienna Miller's version isn't so blackhearted, opting instead for more sarcasm than we see in the books--and it works)

But over all, the film revels in its sheer ridiculousness and Saturday afternoon feel. Of course there are top secret organizations like the Joes that you can just kinda join if they like you enough. Yes, there are secret bases the size of small town buried in the Egyptian desert Yes, an evil criminal can build an entire underwater city in the Arctic and no-one will notice. Yes, Joes can jump into jets they've never seen before and fly them. Yes, if you have two ninjas in a film, of course they have a backstory that involves a dead master. And most of all, you can destroy most of Paris without apparently hurting a single civilian.

So, stupid, but fun. And in what maybe the last time anyone takes anything I say seriously, I'd have to recommend the film to my friends. Yes, the old age has finally taken it's toll.

But killing Cover Girl? That shit was a mistake.

The First Rule of Etrian Odyssey Is You Don't Talk About Etrian Odyssey....

...you blog about it because that's the sort of sad geek you are.

I knew Etrian Odyssey II was going to slap me. I knew going in that it proudly carried such descriptors as 'hardcore' and 'old school'. I knew that such RPG luminaries as Kat Bailey had bowed out from its merciless gaze.

I knew all this. In fact, I even looked forward to it.

I know better now. I have the curse words and tears to show for this hardfought wisdom.

Let's just say that, yes, EO is indeed worthy of the the adjectives it carries like gang tats. While you do have to map your progress through the various dungeons (which, perversely, are outside), it isn't as diabolical as I thought it would be. The game auto-charts your progress, turning areas green as you traverse them, it's up to you to whip out the DS stylus and draw in walls and add various tags delineating what you find in each room. You can also add notes yourself. (Many of mine consist of warnings in all caps of DO NOT FUCKING GO IN THIS ROOM! DO NOT TOUCH THAT GLOWEY THING! THIS IS WHERE D-CUPS DIED!)

(Yes. D-Cups. I had run out of X-Men names.)

The game gives you a little slack with the mapping. But that's where the charity ends.

As you enter the dungeon, you will be hit very hard by the monsters. Very hard. You will spend your first few hours simply running for your life, racing back to the dungeon entrance. Going back into town, I found I usually only had enough loot to resurrect my dead party members before being forced to go back into the dungeon, because I didn't have enough money to do anything else.

In one case, I had to actually sell my character's armor so I could pay for his revival. Because here's your first EO Bitchslap: Resurrections not only cost you, but so does the simple act of sleeping, which is the easiest way to recover your HP. And...AND...the price varies on your party level. So if you go running back to town, the back of your armor wet from fear, thinking Great, I've got five en (the game's version of gold), I can get a room for the night, get a full heal, start up again in the morning, man I think I can do this fucking right I can, the cherbuic inn owner will smile and tell you the price for a night's kip is now twenty en. Oh, you can't afford to stay here? Back in the dungeon you go, loser.



Another EO Bitchslap awaiting you is your first boss. The bosses in this game are represented by red glowing balls, that you innocently walk up and hit to reveal what murderous nightmare from hell is patiently waiting inside. Since the first Boss Ball was relatively close to the dungeon entrance, I thought, Hey, my characters are 4th level, think I can take this baby boss, and walked up and went tap.

Total Party Kill.

Start again.

Another nice little treat is how the game misleads you. For example, the angelic owner of the trading spot, upon hearing of my venturing into the dungeon, told me I should probably get this little thing she had for sale. A little thing called a Warp Wire, which she assured me would bring me back to the town toot suite from the bloodshed and despair of the tree lined, sunlit dungeon.

After agonizing over the price (100 en!), I ponied up and bought it. This left me with 6 en to my name, which wasn't enough to get a lice ridden bed for the night, or even a cheap resurrect from the more humane doctors at the hospital. Still, I had this cool Get Out Of Eternal Pain ticket. Should pay for itself after two or three uses, easy.

Back into the dungeon. In due course, I had run across some monsters and most of my characters were red lining. I click on Items, activate my Warp Wire, and find myself safely back in the village. I heal up, then head back in. Once again, more bloodshed ensues, my characters beseech the heavens for mercy, and I go to get the Warp Wire.

Gone. It was one use only.

This is where I said 'motherfucker!' so loud Vulcan Ninja looked up from her crossword and frowned.

"Nothing," I said, waving my DS stylus in frustration. "It's nothing. It's just this fucking game."

She went back to her crossword. I went back to trying to get my characters out of the dungeon alive. And, despite everything, I smiled.

So this is how it's going to be, Etrian Odyssey? I thought. The RPG equivalent of Fight Club? All done with one of the most gentle, beautiful soundtracks I've heard in a game as counterpoint to all the screaming and gutsinking feelings as health points evaporate like new home ownership in a recession?

It's exactly what I've been looking for.

Iron Man 2: Proof That Nothing's As Good As Your First Time

(Spoilers, but I'll try not to reveal anything important.)

Up early this morning to sit beside Vanessa to watch IRON MAN 2.. Thanks to LA Mood for having a private screening, which is really the best way to see superhero films: in a room with other people who actually want to see the damn thing.

So, let's get the bad news out of the way first:

THE BAD:

--An Unfocused Plotline.

There are two villains in the film--Justin Hammer, and Ivan Vanko--and the film focuses on the least interesting one the most. Mickey Roarke's Vanko (a.k.a. Whiplash) had some degree of depth to his character, with a refreshingly different motivation than most cookie cutter superhero criminals. Yet his time is very limited on-screen. (He actually gets the dreaded 'with Mickey Roarke' in the credits, the clear sign he isn't onscreen enough to justify a full credit.) Sam Rockwell's douchey Justin Hammer simply isn't as interesting, and what play he offers up as an irritating Eighties holdover living forever in Tony Stark's shadow runs dry very quickly.

As a nemesis to advance the storyline, neither one really does: Vanko isn't on the screen enough, and while Hammer is spread across the movie like a third rate sandwich topping, he spends most of his time doing nothing but relying on the same schtick over and over and over. Yes, we get it. You hate Stark. You're ineffectual. Your closet looks like it hasn't been added to since 1989. Let's move the fuck on.

As a result, the film, not being anchored by the centring threat of a villain, wanders around, wondering what to do with itself. There is a sub-plot of Tony being sick as a result of using the Iron Man suit, which leads to one of the the most inane scenes in the film: a battle that is both uncharacteristic of Tony Stark and almost everyone else involved. It feels like it was shoe-horned in because someone noticed how the script had gone ten pages without a fight, and felt this should do the trick. It doesn't, and sticks out like the worst script by committee moments I've seen in a long time.

--Too Many Damn AC/DC Songs.

One of the best things about the original trailer for IRON MAN was the use of Black Sabbath's song of the same name. Here, the producers have rustled around the $1.99 bin of eight tracks and unearthed some 'classic' AC/DC songs to pump up the volume, as it were. In my opinion, AC/DC have five great songs, none of which appear here. And I highly doubt Tony Stark even listens to AC/DC. In fact, of the entire cast, I can only see Justin Hammer cranking this in his Hummer, where, you know, he totally gets hummers. From girls.

--Too Many Damned Explosions.

The Final Showdown has a lot of these. I'm not a fan of the Bruckheimer school of filmmaking that requires at least ten big blow-ups every minute, or it's not a real Final Showdown. Is there someone who actually likes them? Is there someone, somewhere, who hops up and down in their seat at every conflagration, cheering each time? If so, he must always be a happy man/woman, since Hollywood seems only to make films for them. Instead, I just feel slightly cheapened, like I've spent the last eight hours of my life watching shitty VHS copies of Dukes Of Hazzard.

--Not Enough Black Widow.

While Natasha Romanov is in the film, essentially in walk on/ walk off scenes, she is only dressed as Black Widow in two scenes, and only fights in one. In fact, she's not even called Black Widow. And she doesn't use her Venom Sting bracelets, but instead uses Bond like gizmos to achieve the same effect. But she's wearing the bracelets. She just doesn't use them. Which, you know, is bullshit.

--Olivia Munn

Yes, she's in it. With a few lines of dialogue, which I'm sure AOTS promoted heavily for months. God, she irritates.


THE GOOD

--The Cast

Everyone here works in their roles. While I still don't know why Don Cheadle was put into the Rhodey role, he carries himself like he was in the first film, and fuck you if you say otherwise. The bickering between Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts and Robert Downey Jr.'s Stark is even more enjoyable in the second film than the first. As for Downey Jr., he's more relaxed in the role this time around, and he's pretty much a delight each time he's on screen. Mickey Roarke's Whiplash is scummy and slimy, but in a good, villainous way: he's a good contrast against the monied, designer conscious Tony Stark, with both of them equally as intelligent, perfect to set against one another. It's just a pity he's not in the film more. Even Rockwell's Justin Hammer is played well, but there's just too much of the same thing with him: it's not his fault, since that's the script they went with. Samuel L. Jackson picks up another paycheque as Nick Fury, and even though he comes across as less mysterious now, he's still welcome in any superhero film I see.

But the biggest surprise was Scarlett Johansen.



Yes, we don't see much of her as Black Widow, I mean, Natasha Romanov, but her brief battle scene was fun. For that scene, I forgot I was watching Scarlett Johansen, and instead was thinking what a badass the Black Widow actually is. The film could have used more of her kicking ass and stringing up bad guys, and I wonder if the inevitable solo film is already being discussed over cocaine lines and hookers somewhere. That might actually make up for Elektra. Well, maybe three Black Widow movies, written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriques, with a brief, revealing shower scene in the final film. That would make up for Elektra.

--The Comic Nerdery

There's not an overpowering amount of that here, but there a few nice a-ha! moments. I won't spoil them, but they are there, and I did smile when I saw them. Suffice to say that the little hints of theAvengers film are already being laid. I also enjoyed the strong use of S.H.I.E.L.D. in this film, from Nick Fury's presence to the logo on Widow--I mean, Romanov's--shoulder.

--The Nice Touches

--Little things, like having a meeting between Iron Man, Wid--Romanov and Fury in a donut shop. The trouble with car doors in the first battle between Whiplash and Iron Man. The very physical aspect of Stark finding a cure for himself, in contrast to the usual keyboard tapping and looking seriously at numbers on a blackboard these sorts of scenes usually employ. The chemistry between Downey Jr. and Paltrow. And, finally, actually having the obligatory Stan Lee cameo be funny. And staying until the final credits played out, to see the scene in New Mexico, was also fun.

--Overall, then?

Worth seeing. Not as good as the first film, but still enjoyable. Jon Favreau knows how to direct a good superhero film, he has a great cast to work with, and the editing and special effects are top of the line. The only real letdown is the plot itself, which seems uncertain of which way to go, and finally just decides to have a big fight, almost out of desperation.

Whew. It's only May 8, and I'm already done my required summer blockbuster viewing already.

Stupid Playstation and Its Stupid Rules

I was listening to Active Time Babble recently, and guest Jade Kraus went on at length about one of her favourite games, Final Fantasy 9. It was the sort of game that made her stop going to school and work until she finished it, and even to this day, she still goes back to play it every five months or so.

Wow, I thought. That must be some game. Then it hit me: I knew absolutely nothing about it.

This shocked me. It's akin to a Maple Leafs fan suddenly forgetting the entire 2006 season, or a Beatles devotee finding they have no knowledge of Abbey Road. I know video games. I know the Final Fantasy series. I had played FF 8, so why was there a blank in my head about this mysterious Nine?

Since we are gifted with interwebtubes, I went there and asked of it:" WTF is up with this shit? Why can't I at least come up with a single character or plot line from this thing? I can't even picture a Chocobo from it. What is up with that?"

The interwebtubes didn't know, but it did throw up the cover to the damn thing.



Then it clicked. I near to shrieked.

I pulled the tubewires off my head and ran downstairs to the basement. To the bookshelf where I keep the Old Games, the ones I have finished but shall never part with. And there, sitting directly beside Final Fantasy 8, sat FF9.

Unopened.

The memories came back in a gurgle of images and regrets. I remembered now. I had seen the game on sale, back when I was writing for the Free Press, when I had money to throw around and a retinue of giggling women following behind me, tittering at my every bon mot. I had seen the game, and picked it up, uncaring of the cost, tossing it over my shoulder to my literate harem, knowing that one day I would get to it. Probably after I won the Pulitzer and became the first hack humour columnist to get his own Sirius digital channel all to himself.

No wonder I had blacked it out.

So I ran upstairs, game in hand, and had to play it now.

I pulled the PS2 from the sea chest, blew off the dust,and fired it up. Slammed in the disc. Played with a smile on my face for about forty minutes. Then went to save.

Despair.

FUN FACT: Playstation One games do not save on PS2 save cards. No, they don't.
I tried. Repeatedly.

Convinced that the world did indeed hate me, that everyone was going to be happy except me, that I must have been a horrific monster in a previous life if this was the sort of karma I was getting now, I turned off the game and sulked like a motherfucker born to the trade.

The next night, Vulcan Ninja came up and showed me my old PS1 card. She had spent half an hour searching through the house, and knew it was important to me. She did not point out how many games lay unplayed in my possession. She did not upbraid me for a heavy bottom lip and kicking an empty can around the house for hours. She simply gave me the key back into the latest world I wanted to be a part of.

So, yes, Final Fantasy 9. I'm playing it. Along with Final Fantasy 13.

Thank God I'm already married to the right woman, alls I can say.

Finally! New Special Edition X-Files!!!!!

I was such a big nerd for X-Files back in the Nineties, drawn so hard into the world of conspiracy theories and weirdness that I even co-wrote a book about the crazy things. The X-Files was more to me than a TV show--it opened the back door to so many things I had never thought of before.

I saw so much of myself in Mulder, and wanted to see more of me in Scully. But as the show began to stumble, fluffing their way through more sticky and complicated storyline, my interest began to wilt. When The X-Files finally sighed its last, I knew its true glory had been flushed away long ago.

Sure, there were the movies, but they missed the point. It was clear everyone was just doing it for the money, shot through with a sense of fatigue. I couldn't even bring myself to see the last one, knowing that the X-Files glory I was looking for had been holed a long time ago. Sometimes, you just can't fix what's been broken.

But now I hear they've done another film. One that has even won awards! The Special Edition X-Files looks just like what we've been missing: classic Mulder and Scully action, a deep, penetrating ancient mystery, and the sort of dialogue the show used to shine with:

"You do realize how hard it's going to be to prosecute Satan's whore?"


I have so missed that Scully!

I'm not sure why they're short forming 'Special Edition' the way they do, but it's clear the X-Files are back!

EDIT: Here is Kimberly Kane's acceptance speech for Best Actress at the AVN Awards. The speech is surely a first for content at AVN, and will guarantee Kane legions upon legions of nerdy RPG fans.