Retro Sundays: Legion of Super-Heroes #308, February 1984

So back again I go, deep into the subterranean vaults to unearth yet another oldey-timey comic. Blowing the dust off the longbox, I put back the Justice League Annual from last week, and pulled out the book directly behind it. And this is what it was:



A classic example of the Levitz era Legion.

Flipping open the cover, there was a delightful ad for the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Video Game. Sigh. Compare with Dragon Age, and feel both in awe and old.

Onto the story. There appears to be some crazy man screaming about something or other on the planet of the Khunds. The Khunds, of course, were the Legion's answer to Klingons, the go-to bad guys when Darkseid was busy and Mordru had the White Witch to write fan-fic about. The crazy guy is convinced that the Legionnaires flying in above Khundia are demons, and tries to take them down with (apparently) every large gun on Khundia. The Legionnaires in question--Mon-El, Ultra Boy, Timber Wolf, Shadow Lass and Phantom Girl-- seem perplexed by this. This confusion may explain why they feel the need to tell each other how their powers work as they dodge the fusillade. But then the crazy guy really unleashes the shit, with his eyes turning red and green, and our heroes become silhouettes. So if you ever wondered what red and green eyes do, that's it. Silhouette power--activate!

Now we switch to another building on Khundia, where other Legionnaires are holed up with an Earth ambassador. He brought them with him as bodyguards, but now he just wants to keep them locked away before things get even worse. Dream Girl whines about how the Khundish atmosphere is messing with her hair. And back in 1984, we thought this was cute, because we all loved the drop dead sexiness of Dream Girl.



It was the Eighties, after all.

Anyway, Blok breaks some furniture, because that's what he does. Cosmic Boy--who I've never liked--thinks that the rumour that Legionnaires are attacking Khundia is just not on. I still don't like him, because common sense or no, he's always struck me as an ass-kissing douche bag.

Then we have another classic Levitz switch to Dawnstar, who is looking gorgeous in a psychedelic part of the cosmos. This is apparently the Dream Nebula, where 'it's swirling gasses seem to mirror the thoughts of sentient beings entering the area..." So, according to that, Dawnstar is stoned.



She's out to find her one true mate, which means flying across the galaxy and being angsty.I wonder if it's because there was just a shortage of Interlac dating sites in the future that made this voyage across the stars necessary. Ten minutes on the future version of E-Harmony, and Dawnstar wouldn't have had to leave Earth. Then she could go on the comm channels and star in commercials, hugging her new boyfriend in slow motion while gentle piano music played.

"I'm Dawnstar, and I never thought I'd find my true love. But with Interlac-Harmony, all I had to do was type in my super-powers, measurements, likes, dislikes, and what super-villains are currently out to kill me. Ten minutes later I had fifteen match-ups, and only five were serving time in Takron-Galtos! Thank you, I-Harmony, for making my dreams come true."

Anyway, back to the crazy guy on Khundia, who gives his origin story to the captive Legionnaires. Suffice to say he used to be holy, but he came into contact with something not holy, and now he's evil. Mon-El, bored out of his mind, breaks free and ploughs the guy somewhat good, but his return punch sends Mon-El through the wall, with three accompanying sound affects: WHUMP, WHOOSH and KRASHH.

Meanwhile, on Earth, Star Boy--rocking a beard!--moans about being on monitor duty and missing quality time with Dream Girl. Imagine--a lonely man surrounded by computer screens linked to every data system anywhere, and he has no idea what to do. Wildfire moseys in, looking to shoot the shit, and instead checks out the monitor board to see where everyone is. Now that I think about it, the Legion monitor board is a lot like Twitter. We get the 411 on everyone, but when Wildfire sees Dawnstar's Twitter update (Still looking for man in this galaxy who will love me lol omg ths is taking like 4ever!!!!), he has an attack of angst, which involves radiating black lines and clutching his fist.

Finally, the story ends with the crazy guy heralding the arrival of someone worse than him, some dude called Omen. I don't remember him, so I guess his badassery was over-rated.

End of story one, then onto a short story where Colossal Boy brings his new Durlan wife to meet his parents. At this point, the galaxy hates Durlans, since they're sneaky shapeshifters and greet visitors to their planet with death. The story has one good line. Colossal Boy, remarking on what it's like to be married to a shapeshifter, says 'Yera, you're too much. Some nights being married to you is like living in a three ring circus.'

Ahem.

The story ends with happy families, with Mom and Dad accepting the filthy Durlan into their lives. And since Mommy is the President of Earth, she's already known about the marriage because she abuses her power and has her secret police investigate her own son. Whether or not she records what goes on in his apartment is not discussed, for which we are eternally grateful.

This may be the first issue of several Legion of Super-Hero books. We'll find out more next week!

Could This Picture Be Any More Perfect?

I really don't think so.

Retro Sundays: Justice League of America Annual 2 (1984)

So I pushed past the giant cobwebs and headed down to the basement today. Walked over to the closest longbox, opened the top, and pulled the first comic out. And this is what I had in my hands.



I must have bought this at the old Comic Book Collector. I remember buying it more out of a nostalgia for the JLA than for any actual love of the current comic. (Even in 1984, I was nostalgic for the previous decade. I can imagine my 18 year old self bemoaning comics of the day, missing the glory days of 1973. How things never change.)

Flipping to the back cover, there is an ad for a video game called Bump'n'Jump. It's a racing game that proclaims 'To become king of the road you either bump 'em or jump 'em'.' Well, of course. Now I know that this was a port of the Japanese game that came out two years previous, where it was known as Burnin' Rubber. Huh.

Inside the front cover is an ad for Mario Bros for the Atari. From such low origins did our king arise.

Right, onto the comic.

This was written by Gerry Conway, who know makes his living producing Law and Order. The art is by Chuck Patton, and seems very much the sort of art I adored back then. Here, it seems the JLA satellite has been destroyed after a war with Mars, and Aquaman decides to just shut the whole shebang down. This was the era of the JLA when not having any really popular heroes on the team seemed like a good idea, and I think Aquaman was just speaking for the fans.

So he goes to the U.N. and addresses everyone that he's closing shop. Firestorm goes apeshit outside the U.N. and demands a vote. Aquaman then says, Okay, asshole, if you really want to do this JLA thing, you gots to show up every day and not fuck around in your own book. Well, he doesn't say exactly that, but it's he's saying between the lines. Firestorm is all hell yeah, I can totally give'er, until the Professor in his head nixes that idea. Those Leaguers without a life, though, quickly agree to join up. So here is the new League of People Who Can't Have Their Own Book:

1. Aquaman.
2. Martian Manhunter
3. Elongated Man
4. Zatanna.

If you were an alien despot, now is the time to invade.

So they set up shop on the 23rd floor of the New York Hilton while they search for new digs. There's a nice little nod towards the Avengers Mansion as Elongated Man comments "You know what midtown mansions go for these days?" Sue Dibny is apparently their waitress, handing out drinks and being freaked out by the Manhunter. Suddenly Zatanna shrieks! There's someone hanging outside the window! For fuck's sake!

Well, it turns out to be Vixen, who thinks a good way to join this new League is to make everyone chase her. She adds to her resume by tackling Aquaman. This is all she does. On that alone, Aquaman lets her join, rationalizing his clear obsession with her curves and hair beads by saying "...she certainly has style."
That, and they need new members. You may laugh, but we're not at the end of the comic yet. It gets better.

Presto! Steel then appears and offers to take them on a jet ride to a potential new headquarters. They agree to go check it out. Just. Like. That. Turns out the new digs are in Detroit. And now they have a base, and apparently Steel is a member, too. So, to join the JLA in the mid-Eighties, all you have to do is a)attack an existing member or b)let them bunk at your place.

Inside the base there is a killer robot thingie that Steel quickly pounds the stuffing out of. Turns out it's actually a friend of Steel's old man--Dale Gunn. He's middle aged, real smart, and designed this joint. Right away, Zatanna and Vixen are making googly-eyes at him. (Gunn is a spitting image for artist Chuck Patton, by the bye, which if I were the artist, I would have totally done the same thing. I adore both Vixen and Zatanna, but not so much these early, Flashdance versions. This was pre-tuxedo Zatanna, remember.)

We then get to see more of Detroit. Specifically, we see Vibe do his street level vibeing on a bunch of gang members. A bunch of all white gang members. Because,as everyone knows, all gangs in Detroit are of Anglo-Saxon stock.

I remember reading my first article on hip-hop in Spin Magazine back in 1984. I think Gerry Conway read the same article. Vibe is everything you'd expect from someone not directly involved with hip-hop, with every cliche happily applied: Vibe is street, he carries a boombox on his shoulder, he's got attitude, and he says 'chu' a lot. He seemed to reek of pandering when I first read it, and my feelings, while tinged with nostalgia, still carry that same feeling of nausea.

By some bizarre coincidence, Vixen and Steel are buying groceries for the JLA and see Vibe deliver the beat-down (see what I did there? I italicized it and everything!)on the Road Warrior wannabee gang members, and of course, think he should join the JLA. The entry barrier to this once august team apparently now swings open like an automatic door if you so much as sneeze really, really well.

Steel and Vixen run back to the headquarters to tell Aquaman to hire Vibe stat. He poo-poos the idea, showing the first sign of common sense we've seen all issue. But when Vibe rings the doorbell(!) to the no longer secret headquarters--and smacks Aquaman upside the head with vibe powers--he gets to join as well.

Really.

To celebrate, Vibe asks Steel to come to his place for dinner. Just Steel. Even though he macks hard on Vixen, he just wants to take Steel home. Oh, Vibe, it's okay. You can tell us. The more you know! On the way, they see Gypsy steal some shit then fade away. Since she has done something vaguely super-powerish, how long before she has a chair at the JLA table? (One issue.)

Now here's where things get strange.

Back at the Once Secret Headquarters, Gunn is looking all pensive at some computers. Zatanna enters the room wearing a sheer negligee, bearing a plate of cookies and milk. Two pages later, she's hitting on Gunn so hard even he can't miss it, with Zatanna asking coyly if he snores in his sleep. I mean, Zatanna?



She's known this guy for a day, and she's so hard up she's tramping this hard? Of all the super-heroines in the DC Universe, I can't imagine her suffering from a cold mattress. The suspension of disbelief--and outright envy--almost destroyed this comic for me right here.

Fortunately, Gypsy takes this opportunity to break into the Once Secret Headquarters and sets off an alarm. Gunn, it must be noted, doesn't seem to0 upset by this. (Perhaps he should hang with Vibe?) Manhunter--posing as bit of technology--catches Gypsy, but she skedaddles right quick. Then it's that bloody doorbell again.

Aquaman answers the door to find the neighborhood arriving with a welcoming party. Vibe lays down some tiles and offers to break-dance, with Vixen quickly joining him. Even Manhunter downs a beer. Elongated Man, forever out of the loop even surrounded by so much fresh hip hop culture (boomboxes, hot black women, and Detroit, represent) ends the issue by saying 'Ole!'.

Tool.

And as we all know, this new version of the JLA would forever change comics, making us redefine what we thought of super-heroes, and..well, no. But it did define the mid-Eighties in a way that still makes us cringe. To be fair, though, there are no leg-warmers anywhere in this issue. I've checked at least twice.

Toy Soliders: Defeated By Beauty

After having coffee with Crazylegs yesterday at Chapters (where, for some mushy headed reason, someone thought it was a good idea to have a songstress serenade customers with an electric keyboard. No offense to the singer--who had some decent pipes on her--but playing loud music when no-one has specifically come to your business establishment to hear it generally falls under the title of Bad Business Decisions every time.), I left admiring the man's determination to not buy any new games until he finishes what he already has. We each have our Pile Of Shames to contend with, and I applaud those who tackle them head-on. (Isn't it telling that when we were in our twenties, we were always on about starting something. Now, in our forties, we all seem intent on finishing something. Are our bodies giving us a subliminal message, the instinctual analog of tapping its wristwatch and coughing?)

So, inspired by CL's steadfast character, I went home that night, intent on following in his footsteps. Then I saw Toy Soldiers.

A tower defence game with a World War One flavouring would have been hard for me to resist on its own. But throw in the delightful fact that everything in play are actually toys in a child's bedroom, with a scratchy gramophone soundtrack playing throughout, all lit in nostalgic tones of sepia?

Bought minutes after the trial ended. As of 1:30 last night, I was still smiling, still cackling at each missile shot, still defending my Toy Box from the Huns.

But that's the last game.

Honest.

Three Reasons Why DEAD SNOW Was Awesome

1.I Knew Next To Nothing About It
I had heard of Dead Snow, I knew a bit of the story, but that was it. Discovering the story without having had seventy percent of it ruined by trailers was a shot of pure, exhilarating joy. Add to that the realization that the filmmakers's subconscious operates on the same wavelength as mine also made me feel less lonely in this cold, uncaring, world.

2. The Film Is Composed Of Unknowns, Three Of Them Gorgeous.


Evy Kasseth Rosten, Charlotte Frogner, Jenny Skavlan. Norway has done the planet proud. Thank you, Norway. Thank you.

3. It's Never Shies Away From Being Overly Gross or Gleefully Ridiculous, Often At The Same Time.
Sometimes when you create a story, you have to ask yourself "Does this make sense?" And sometimes it's best to just go with "It makes enough." That's the doorway to fun, and that's something Dead Snow leaps through with bravado.

How To Make A Bad Idea Even Worse

Sigh.

All Your Basecast Episode One

Here's our first episode.
Hope you enjoy it.

All Your Basecasts: Like Geek Corner, But With Girls And Swearing

Spent the afternoon recording Episode One of All Your Basecasts with Vanessa and Brian. We recorded for close to an hour, and had quite a bit of fun doing it. It's now in the hands of our master editor and producer--Vanessa--and will be available for download and quick deletion very soon.

This was also my first time up close and personal with a Macbook, and may I say? I think I'm in love.

But You Know What?

It's a sure signpost on my not-so-gradual metamorphosis into Shuffling Recluse Who Collects Newspapers and Cats, but the above phrase keeps getting stuck in my mental grill. To the point where when I hear it, I actually have to bite my tongue.

I fucking hate it.

Every six months or so, certain phrases creep into the vernacular and stay there like a case of conversational herpes. And it's always the same people who adopt them, the way they adopted those bullshit plastic shoes--Crocs?--or felt the Olympics were a great thing for Canada. The same people who run out and spend grocery money on Vancouver 2010 tat, just so they can feel connected to something. Right now, that phrase is 'But You Know What?'

Having watched those who use this phrase the most, I can see why they love it. It's perfect for the Me!centric generation. It serves the same purpose as saying 'Fuck you and what you said, I want to talk now.' Take a look.

SHEEPLE A: And so I was like so surprised with what happened on The Bachelor last night, like you know I totally didn't see him choosing that way. I thought she was a total tramp."

SHEEPLE B: "But you know what? I was watching Jersey Shore last night, and it was soooo good."

Insert 'Fuck you and what you said, I want to talk now' in the place of ' But you know what?"--and it is at least more truthful.

This sugarcoating of Fuck you serves their egocentric needs by allowing them to shoehorn their own interests in without having to actually have to utilize the niceties of polite conversation. The phrase itself is meaningless--interjecting to ask someone if they have personal knowledge without specifying anything as remote as subject matter. (One could say it relies on inference, but it rarely does.) It serves simply as giant boulder to redirect the flow of speech their way.

Don't believe me? Look around you this week. See who is using that phrase. I'm sure it bounces off the walls of any Starbucks with the speed of a jai alai ball.

And yes, feel free to start all your posts with 'But you know what?" I expect no less.

Weekend Gaming Update

I think I may have cured my gaming ADD, since I played nothing but Dragon Age this weekend. I finally climbed out of what I thought was an area of bad game design (your character is separated from the other party members for a very long time, and in a game that is about character interplay, it just didn't work), and got back to the actual quests themselves.

As much as I enjoy the mythology of the game, I've found I'm not reading the many, many, MANY Codexes the game throws at you, telling myself I'll get back to them later. Sometimes, when you only have an hour to play a game, you just don't want to slog through a treatise on religion vs. magic. Especially if it doesn't give you XP or a chance to get busy with that elf.

And you? What did you play this weekend?