My To-Do List For 2010!

1. Stop writing 2003 on my cheques.

2. Finish the goddamn novel and sell it for millions, then retire to Kamloops and develop an addiction to Lucky Charms sprinkled with Jack Daniels.

3. Finish reading Steve Erikson’s novels.

4. Buy door jambs to replace the Steve Erikson novels I’ve been using.

5. Learn to smile and nod when people talk to me without hearing a word they’re saying.

6. Stop wasting time arguing about things like ‘Is Zelda really a bitch?’ on gaming forums no-one reads. It’s time I grew up. I’ll instead put those thoughts on tumblr.

7. Stop reading comics written by people I really don’t like in real life.

8. Stop trying to like speed metal just because the person I sleep with does.

9. Find out the name of the person I sleep with.

10. Set fire to the complete collection of New Jedi Order books I have. They have to serve some purpose other than to illustrate the lost hours spent reading them. Reducing my heating costs will be it.

So This Is Christmas....

....and what have I done?

Right now, Vulcan Ninja is geeking out with the Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition that I so thoughtfully gave her for Christmas this morning. I had envisioned her crawling onto the couch and simply reading all day, surfacing only to ask for beverages, and I have not been wrong in that display of soothsaying.


"They've done away with Base Attack Bonus," she just murmured to herself.

She in turn gifted me with a kiss, a promise to stick around for another year, and this:



As I have written before, I tend to go on about music, and it was good for Vulcan Ninja to see that I'm not alone in this. The film traces the guitar origins of Jack White, The Edge, and some old guy from Led Zeppelin, and is a basic guitar geek out. I learned a few things I didn't know before about The Edge, and my respect for Jack White as a guitarist was only slightly dampened by his need to project this image as a bluesman a bit too much. (Still, he has a line at the end of the film that redeems him.)

An interesting film. It's clear that the three of them are uncomfortable around each other in the 'summit' part of the film--Jimmy Page comes across as the sort of grandfather who means well but spends too much time in his own head, meaning he'll talk over people to get his point across but looks pained when he has to listen to what anyone else has to say. White paints himself a bit too much as the suffering bluesman, some lost crusader keeping music real, but when he forgets the bullshit and just plays, all is forgiven. Of the three, The Edge comes across as the most personable--his struggles with the guitar and writing aren't something he hangs himself on, but quietly remarks upon, then gets back to smiling about the joys of distortion pedals.

If you're into guitars and are a music geek, this DVD should be in your collection.

Right. Now people are coming over and I have to be social. I just keep telling myself it'll all be over soon and I can get back to Assassin's Creed 2.

Getting It On With Tiger

Because I feel the need to stretch my gaming wings beyond the cramped nest of my usual fare of RPGs and anything Bioware puts out, I decided to try a Tiger Woods game. Perhaps you've heard of Tiger Woods? He's a gentleman who plays this rather boring game called golf. I'm afraid I can't tell you more than that, and I'm sure I've marked myself a real sports geek for even knowing that much.



Since I'm a cheap bastard, there was no way in seven hells I was going to spend the sixty Canadian dollars the local video game merchant demanded for Tiger Woods 2010. Instead, I elected to purchase last year's version, which apparently real gamers shun and burn on any available pyre they can find, because you see, it's old.

But I am not held by such prejudices. So after putting a load of firewood into the back of my Xbox, I loaded Tiger Woods 09. My first impressions? I liked that you could access the wireless with the game, getting many sports scores and other things I don't give a tinker's damn about. But then I saw I could make my own character, and a smile made me drop my monocle into my claret.

So that's all I have done so far with this game. Forty three minutes spent creating the perfect woman golfer, since I don't get to see many women here in the 1800s and being stuck in a temporal bubble as I am. I've called her Tatiana, and I've written an ode, which I shall not share.

Tonight, I hope to play this game, if I can get enough coal to supplement the firewood--these graphics do tax my system so.

1 Vs 100--Gaming That Makes You Feel Smartish

If we learn skills in order to survive, then video games are a sure sign of reverse Darwinism. After years of playing them, I have amassed skills which will not serve me one bit in the act of actual survival. In fact, the time I have spent learning how to platform, decipher JRPGs, and trying to perfect combos in fighting games have undoubtedly made easier prey for those who have actually gone and got degrees and jobs that actually pay good money. Like most geeks--and doubly so with writer geeks--I have a skill set that guarantees I'd be first out the post-apocalyptic fortress haven to become fodder for the radioactive pandas.

On top of a useless skill set, I also have a cranium packed with non-survival related trivia. I have no clue on how to install a towel rack, but I can tell you the plot line to the first 12 issues of Micronauts, how fast a DeLorean has to go to travel in time, and why there are two Ms. Marvels. So when I came across 1 Vs. 100 on Xbox Live--a game that rewards fast, video-game enhanced reflexs along with useless trivia-- I felt like I had come home.

I played it quite a bit before my first Xbox passed from this world. When my clone Xbox returned from Kamino, I did not reignite that particular passion. But temptation is a determined mistress, and I returned one night to the gaudy flash of the Xbox game show.

And I learned they'd introduced the chance to level up your avatar!

I had no defence. I am now climbing yet another useless ladder, fueled by the knowledge that no-one needs, pressing buttons without once having to look at the controller, because this is my fate.

Take my heed, and do not venture here. The nights just blur in a sensory overload of blonde avatars chanting 'Another question...." the horror of streaks dissolved, and the need--the burning need--to make the Top Ten.

Batman: Arkham Asylum--DONE

Finished Arkham Asylum on Thursday night. Have moved another game off the Pile of Shame, with a sense of loss mixed with victory.

The Webnet is filled with praises for this game, so I won't go on about the strengths of Asylum too much. Suffice to say that it never really ever stopped being fun, and I felt sad when it ended. Of the three main components of the game--main story, collecting stuff, and combat challenges--they were all enjoyable, although now that I've finished the story, I can't see myself going back to grab the remaining green Riddler trophies or unlock the dire Arkham beetle headstones. (Some of the Riddler trophies are well hidden, and I'm just too damned lazy to find them. And the story the beetle headstones unlock doesn't sound all that different from Grant Morrison's Arkham Asylum comic book, so perhaps I'll just go re-read that.) There are also Patient Interview Tapes to collect, which were well done, especially Zzazz's series. I missed a few of those, but I'll try to find the strength to carry on.

I had two great WTF moments with this game. One was towards the end--as the moment unfurled, I said out loud 'Are you serious?"It seemed over the top, but after hours of fighting giant plants and mutant crocodile men, I had little grounds for disputes with game reality. The other was an addition to the Batman mythos that I had never thought of before, and I spend a lot of time thinking about Batman. Of course he would do that. I feel ashamed that of my well learned and well read friends, not one of us had even once considered this.

So if you love comics and love Batman, then you will not regret buying Arkham Asylum. Is it Game of The Year for me? That much sought after award might be awarded to it, depending how things go with my next gaming foray. Does it knock Resident Evil 4 off my Favourite Game Evah pedestal? I'd have to say, with a deep sigh, yes. The desire to go back for the combat challenges--which are doable, unlike RE's Assassins modes--tip the balance. As does all the nerd comic love Asylum doles out for dorks like us.

And most of all, it gets Batman right. This is the Grim Mofo Batman, an unrelenting gray force of justice who gets the living hell beat out of him, but keeps getting up, who keeps his jaw clenched and his eyes (however blackened)steely. This is Batman written by someone who grew up reading him in the Seventies, and it shows.

Sigh. Such a great game.