BREAKING NEWS: STEVE HARPER ERADICATES KITTEN TAX

Toronto--After a four hour meeting with L'il Fuzzy--which culminated in a signed agreement and a half decent game of chase-the-string--Stevie Harper has agreed to eradicate the unpopular Kitten Tax.

L'il Fuzzy, speaking on behalf of cute little fuzzy-wuzzies everywhere, read from a prepared statement to the assembled press corps.

"I'm happy to say that no longer will my brothers and sisters have to worry about cutting down on catnip and Temptations Treats to pay the annual Kitten Tax," he purred. "We are happy that the Conservative government--and especially Mr. Harper--have realized the stress reduction benefits we kittens represent, and how much we keep the Canadian cat toy industry thriving. This tax was always seen as a mistake and an insult, but that is now
in the past. And now I'm really kinda hungry."

At that point, L'il Fuzzy turned his sad eyes on the press, blinking twice slowly. The assembled journalists ran up, making cooing noises and holding saucers of milk.

"I have no idea what I was thinking with the Kitten Tax," Harper said afterwards, removing cat hair from his suit pants with a sticky roller thingie. "Sometimes in the fast world of politics, you forget who you are, and you do things you regret. What can I say?"

But what of the income drop from removing the tax? Harper was quick to answer.

"I think squirrels have had an easy ride for far too long," he said. "Don't you think?"

Frog and Cow--And How!

He's A Good Boy

I'd just like to comment on reports that I had tears in my eyes as I read the last page of Superman #680.

Yep.

Kinda did.

A Small Oasis of Star Warsy-ness

Admittedly, it hasn't been a great time to (still) be a Star Wars fan. The Clone Wars was not what many of us hoped for, and The Force Unleashed video game is now 10th on the All Time Greatest Gaming Disappointments, courtesy of the rather glaring proof that it was shipped long before it was ready.

But dear old Dark Horse comics continues to keep we, the Children of 77, from reaching for that lethal pack of deathsticks. And so we come to this: Star Wars Legacy: Claws of The Dragon.

The easy line here would be to say that this is Star Wars done right. And it's difficult to argue with that, but what writer John Ostrander and artist/co-plotter Jan Duursema have done is simply move the story along, escaping the by now suffocating world of the Trinity (Han, Leia, and Luke)and throwing the entire SW Universe 130 years into the future. They have also incorporated much of the Expanded Universe, most notably the Yuuzhan Vong from the interminable New Jedi Order series, as well as nodding towards both the prequels and Dark Horse's own Tales of the Jedi series. For the most part, it's well done.

But yes, we still have a Skywalker to deal with, but at least this time around he's a jerk, but not in that irritating, pompous way that Luke was. And yes, we still have to deal with the question of 'Which way will this Skywalker flip? All light and puppy petting Jedi or all red eyed, bad dialogue Sith?'

Fortunately, this time around it's a bit more believable, and a bit more ambiguous. All in all, this trade reveals some of the mysteries set up in the first issue (Who the hell is Darth Krayt?)and tells a fairly entertaining story as well. It can be argued that Ostrander's Cade Skywalker is just another iteration of Ostrander's own Grimjack
, but since Ostrander has made a career out of writing badasses in leather jackets--and does it so well--I won't hold it against him.

All in all, Legacy remains my favourite of Dark Horse's SW series. Ostrander and Duursema know how to plot a good pulp story, the use of slang is inventive (if reminiscent of Firefly), and the establishment of a new yet familiar power structure in the SW Universe is welcome.

Oh, and they brought back Artoo. So, cheers all round!

A'Cursed With The Black Mark

Home sick with plague today. In honour of this day of pirates, I pulled the above book from the shelves before stumbling back to the couch.

And...damn! Truly a fine adventure story, and a good companion whilst snuffling and sipping warm beverages. That Robert Louis Stevenson sure knew how to write. I'm almost forgetting to feel sorry for myself!

Music Nooze

Since most of you have kids and/or lives, you probably don't know about all the hoopla over the latest Metallica album, Death Magnetic. Vulcan Ninja is Heavy Metal Girl, so I've been forced...I mean, blessed to hear allllll about it.

The bullet points is that Magnetic is too long, is horribly produced, and fans are screaming for a remix. The mix on Guitar Hero 3, apparently, is much better than the CD version. Through her many contacts, Ninja even has a remastered version of the album, cut down from its original bloated length. She says, "It's much better."

I love living in this age sometime. Albums are released, and the fans tear them apart to make them better. I'm proud of dorks everywhere today.

So while the Metal is played here ( I endure her bouts of Megadeth and Children of Bodom with a saint like smile), here's what I'm enjoying. See how nice it is? How quiet?

So I Went To See The Doctor Today...

...and it pretty much went as it always does.



I really wish I could just phone in for my prescriptions.

Sunday Afternoon

--I love Lego, I love Alan Moore, so I find this to be of interest to me. You may also find it so.

--I have not read any David Foster Wallace, and I'm ashamed it took his suicide for me to notice his work.

--My friends David Southwell and Matt Adams (one of the biggest Doctor Who fans I know--he even had his wedding pictures published in Doctor Who Magazine) have their new book excerpted here. Talented media whores that they are, they'll probably be longer taking my phone calls. Again.

--If you haven't met Jeannie, then you should. Imagine dealing with people like this everyday!! Oh, wait...

-Am now returning to work. That is all.

My Idiot Tag Updates

Achievements Unlocked Today:

--Rescued Two Baby Raccoons From A Garbage Dumpster: 50 points

--Took Cat To Vet's For Wound On Neck Inflicted By Other Smaller, More Jealous Cat (AKA George): 50 points

--Not Flinching When Bill Presented: 100 points

--Played With Cats Even Though EVE Deadline Will Not Be Met Barring Miracle From Above (unlocks new Achievement: Video Game Career Suicide)

--Time Bought From Limbo For Above Achievements: .00003 milliseconds

It's The Polar Bears Whut Done It, Probably.

Sarah Palin says: A changing environment will affect Alaska more than any other state, because of our location. I'm not one though who would attribute it to being man-made.

Of course not. When you're a Republican, you can do no wrong on the planet because God gave it to you. Do what you want, because that's what it's there for. And if anyone dares to say a (gasp!)corporation is behind a global ill, well, that's just commie talk. And if those polar bears are put on the endangered list, Sarah has said she'll sue the federal government. Stupid bears might get in the way of oil companies drilling for more oil--and in case you've forgotten, that doesn't cause global warming.

In fact--and maybe I'm getting ahead of Palin and her Republican cronies here--but maybe those bears have something to hide. Maybe they're the ones doing all this global warming. They always seem to be around when the ice melts--or haven't you noticed?

Sarah Sarah Sarah. Please just go back to your hockey rink, please.

As The Sirens Faded Into The Distance...

The birthday party crumbled to an end. Vulcan Ninja, after thinking long and hard, agreed to stay with me for one more year, then threw a Scars On Broadway CD at me before returning to her nunchuku training.

As I moved the bottles and Twizzler bags off the living room table, I also found a copies of Bioshock and Burnout:Paradise. I assume they were gifts. They are mine now.

As birthdays go...yeah, it kinda rocked. Morgan Webb didn't show up to challenge me to a game of Soul Calibur IV, but there's always next year.

The Paper TARDIS--Constructed By Vulcan Ninja!

After days of labour and epic levels of profanity, the work....is done.

First, a long shot:



The Doctor by the console. With actual moving time rotor. No, really. It does.



And another of the Doctor, because Vulcan Ninja loves him, and she has made the damn thing, so there.



Just....awesome.

With A Mouth Full Of Unsaid 'Fuck You's...

...I returned home today to stare once again at the TARDIS console.

I get one year older soon, and Mr. Southwell, in remembrance of our European adventures, and especially that gunfight at Hadleigh Castle, always sends me a wonderful gift. His kindness is never forgotten, even if I think he does it partly to assuage his guilt at getting all famous and such after he decided he didn't need my paltry talents as his writing partner any longer. In between drinks at the Groucho, I think he smiles when he hears of my having to deal with teachers and boiler machinery, and orders a double before heading home by horse-drawn coach.

This year, he sent me a TARDIS console made of paper. He came across this whilst at Doctor Who Proms. When it arrived, I stared at the instruction sheet, despaired, then went down to weep beside the furnace. Fortunately, Vulcan Ninja heard my sniffling, and quietly pried the console from my hands, and got to work.

She's been at it for two days. At times I hear her mutter, "Wow". Then she calls me out to the dining room to show me where the construction is at, and we both marvel at the sheer size of the console. At the fact that it has moving parts. That the time rotor (which is made of plastic--a small cheat) moves up and down. And that, late at night, it actually hums.

The construction is nearly finished. Pictures are forthcoming. This really is the most amazing birthday gift I have ever received.

Now Look Here!

1.Okay, enough with the fucking E-Harmony commercials. If I have to see yet another pair of damaged fuckwits gushing about how they 'found' each other through that site, and how that skank/recovering wife beater they met through the service completes them, I'll scream a very naughty word. Oh, you can't find the right one? Maybe try pulling your head out of your ass and not being so fucking selfish all the time. Maybe if you thought of someone other than yourself and your job, you might find it within yourself to mature, and be able to maintain a relationship, instead of just hooking up with someone, enjoying the Rush Of The New, then ending the relationship when you actually have to work at it. But then you can always sign up with E-Harmony again, right?

2. The new Radio 2? Oh, you mean the New Yuppified Radio 2. The one with EZ Listening Jazz at dinner time, because that's what Busy Professional People want to listen to after a hard day of Being Professional. Although I think the commercials are visually interesting, I'm still somewhat pissed at this. The CBC wants to be the BBC in all things except content. Oh, and trying anything new. Hey, Canada! Watch Sophie! She's a saucy Professional just like you! And just as deep! And it's one of the few shows we haven't cancelled yet!


3.Enough with the doubt mongering news reports about the return to school. It used to be the media would just have a bumper bit about kids buying new pencils and lunchboxes, asking them how they felt about the First Day of School. Now, the reports are all about de-stressing your child before the horror of First Day (like the kids are landing at Dunkirk), or questioning whether or not Little Janey and Johnny are 'getting the education' they deserve. Like if they don't do calculus in 1st grade, they'll be homeless by the time they're twenty. So now the types of parents who hound the schools for class lists in July to ensure their kids have the 'right teacher' and are with the 'right kids' can have something else to up their Prozac medication.

4. Fuck the new 90210. Unless we're visiting the cast from the old show, and we see them all in rehab or working as escorts, it doesn't deserve to be on air. I'd rather see a remake of Good Times, although this time set in Baghdad.