That Way Lies Madness

Have you seen it? Have you seen the madness?

I was out at Loblaws' yesterday, moving in my usual grocery store daze, pushing the cart while Cher exhibited her usual ADD grocery buying habits--pinging around the store like an assassin trained pinball--when I saw them:

Simpsons' Donuts.

Wrapped in plastic like Laura Palmer, they sat four to a box: large, round, and pink. An actual real world translation of the same donuts Homer Simpson eats while narrowly averting nuclear destruction at the Burns power plant each day. With speckles and everything.

For one brief, Lovecraftian moment of horror I thought about buying them. Of actually sitting down and eating them, just to see what would happen. We picked them up, and read the ingredients--which ran down the front of the package, around the side, and up the back. There were more chemicals in there than you would find in Pete Doherty on a Sunday morning.

After eating these donuts, transformation of some sort would be inevitable. I'm sure your skin would turn yellow just like Homer's--not out of any humourous cartoon aside, but because your liver just gave up.

I put them back. And that's why I'm still here today, gentle reader.

P.S.--I gave in and bought a package. That's it on my kitchen counter. I'll eat them all tonight, and undoubtedly explode.