Fucking Jack

Okay, maybe in your house it's called 24, but in our house we call it Fucking Jack. As in 'You'll never believe what that fucking Jack did this week."

I admit that Jack Bauer is the man. I also admit I'd probably not be watching if it weren't for Dearly Beloved Wife, who carries a torch for Keefer. ( I blame incessant viewing of Lost Boys when she was a New Romantic teen.)

So last night found me watching the first two hours of the new season of Fucking Jack. In honour of the epitome of masculinity that is Bauer, let's keep score as the season goes by. Because I'll have to watch the whole 24 episodes. I have to do something while Dearly Beloved quietly lusts beside me.

Episode One: 6:00 A.M. to 7:00 A.M.

Physical Injuries Jack Endures:

--Two blows to the head
--One blow to the stomach
--Knife stuck in shoulder
--Acidic liquid poured on above wound
--Corkscrew like implement stabbed into back

Jack's Body Count

--One terrorist (throat torn out with Jack's teeth)

Feats of Bauer Awesomeness

--ripping out of unshaven throat with teeth
--memorizes navigational points while being tortured
--shaves off beard without cutting himself
--survives two years in Chinese prison and still maintains muscular body and good teeth (as evidenced by throat ripping)

Episode Two: 7:00 A.M. to 8:00 A.M.

Physical Injuries Jack Endures:

--blown across subway car by exploding suicide bomber

Jack's Body Count

O. (Total: 1) (It could be argued he killed the suicide bomber, but since he was going kaboom anyway, Jack can't add to this total. See Tabulation Rules For Fucking Awesome Heroes, Volume 4.)

Feats of Bauer Awesomeness

--hotwires a car in four seconds

--reveals a traitor in terrorist cell in three seconds

--convinces a subway ticket inspector in LA (!)that he doesn't need to check his ticket

--strangles suicide bomber with his own tie, and moves fast enough to kick him through a subway car door before the bomb explodes, even though the pin was dropped two seconds before, proving that Jack can slow Time itself because he's so fucking awesome.