Alias: Oh, The Pain

Cher has gone on another Alias kick. I ascribe this to her having a huge girl crush on Jennifer Garner. She simply adores her, and would watch her dust if such a show existed. So I was forced to watch yet another episode tonight, gritting my teeth and praying for death.

Okay. Jennifer Garner is adorable. She has that odd mixture of dorkiness and utter bed-ability. I think her adorability lies with her eyes, which cancel out the fact she has jug bottle ears. So I don't mind staring at her. But Alias is just excruciatingly bad.

Tonight's episode dealt with Sydney (Garner's character)waking up to realize she's been mind controlled for two years. Ten minutes in, I was picking up a book, only looking up when Garner was onscreen. Cher was rapt with attention. I just kept pointing out how terribly directed it was, how dire the script was, and how--with just a modicum of care and intelligence--this show could have completely rocked.

The one thing I always hated with Alias was that travel always took three seconds. Sydney could travel all over the world in six minutes. Who knew the CIA had transmats? I also hated how the terrorists in this episode seemed like refugees from Metal Gear Solid, and couldn't shoot Sydney even with laser targeted machine guns, while she hides behind a chemist's table, where someone thoughtfully left bottles that could explode when Sydney throws them at the Metal Gear solid villians.

The episode ends with Sydney somehow blowing up a car with one shot from a hi-tech gun, which she then throws away. If this was such a good gun, one would think to keep it. What does a gun cost these days, anyway? At this point, Sydney was renegade, so one would think she would be a bit more economical. I mean, it was a decent gun. It blew up cars. She then goes to investigate the bodies of the baddies, and of course, one of them is still alive. It's the main villain, which shows that being evil makes you survive shit. What follows is easily the most terribly directed action scene I've seen this year, with Sydney managing to throw said Bad Guy against a wall, where he sticks himself with his knife--and then dies.

No, I thought. His knife was in his lower abdomen, which wasn't a killing blow. Yes, in time, the infection from feces in his bowels would do him in, but there was no way in hell he would die from a knife there. Blood loss alone would take at least fifteen minutes. But Sydney just leaves him, and drives off in a Ferrari. Where in hell did she get that? And how in the name of fuck did she get back to L.A. in three seconds?

I was in agony. Cher just stared, in rapture.

I swear: my wife would leave me for Jennifer Garner in a heartbeat.

Masks and Reporters

Before we get into the geek out comics reviews, word: Carrie Fisher will be a guest at the Canadian National Science Fiction Expo in Toronto during the weekend of September 1-3. I'm not sure if she is charging extra on top of the $39 to get past the front doors (Shatner and Nimoy are there as well, going the grossly expensive 'Evening With' route--over $200--in order to breathe the same air as them) to get autographs. This Sci-Fi expo is being held in conjunction with the Comic Book, Horror, Gaming and Anime Expos--all of which cost around $40 to get past each door. It used to be you paid a flat fee and got to attend *all* of them, but not anymore. Being a fan is expensive.

Read more comics. At least I didn't procreate!



Robin #152 continues what looks to be an excellent run for Adam Beechen and Freddie Williams. Here, the new Captain Boomerang, the son of the previous Captain, who killed Tim Drake's father, is out to find Robin, which pisses off the Boy Wonder a wee bit. If that's not enough, Robin is also out to find a dirty nuke the Joker left to go off in August 2006. On top of that, Tim also meets his new study tutor--Zoanne--who may be his next girlfriend. (DC is trying its best to create characters who aren't white, and so Zoanne is black.) Let's hope she lasts longer than Tim's last girlfriend, who is currently pushing up daisies. And we finally have Tim confront Bruce about the whole 'Boy Target' question. Why does Robin wear bright colours while Batman doesn't? Sadly, Bruce doesn't really answer, which makes me suspect the bastard. But we learn Batman likes the Clash, so that's okay.




If Civil War
is a Michael Bay film, then Frontlineis more like an episode of Homicide: Life On The Streets. Okay, so the analogy crosses mediums, but grant me the point. I actually prefer this title to the big, star studded one: writer Paul Jenkins actually makes you think, while putting in some great surprises. (Who is holding that glowing pumpkin, anyway?) Iron Man and the Pro-Reg side really come off as a-holes here. The 'Speedball in Gitmo' storyline continues to depress, and the 'Sleeper Agent' story--in which we seen Namor making his move--is also very interesting. I didn't buy the final few pages, in which Jenkins tries to draw a parallel with the Vietnam War, but that was the only clunker in any otherwise fine issue.



There are at least two major surprises here in the latest issue of Daredevil. One made me smile. The other made me gasp, in that order. Old school fans will join me in the smile. The gasp? Didn't see it coming. For once, Marvel was able to keep a secret. If you aren't reading this title, then you really are cheating yourself of some great fun. Brubaker does mention his leaving the title, which sent chills down my spine. Let's hope it's not for a very, very long time.

From The Comic Room No. 1

And yes, I do have a comic room. In one of the few things achieved this vacation, the comic room has been put in some form of order, and now makes sense to archivists who aren't me. It's down to Cher--it took her an entire day to move everything, pile the long and short boxes, and set up a...what do you call it?...a system. So now I can do something I've always wanted to do here: dig through the collection and review one of the thousands of comics that have ruined my life. And first up is....



This was an Elseworlds book from 1999, back when DC didn't want to say the world 'parallel earth' because it was apparently akin to having dogshit in one's mouth. (Now, of course, you don't see that many Elseworlds anymore, since DC now fully embraces alternate Earths because it will sell crap series like Infinite Crisis. Oh, my bitterness is showing, isn't it?)

This is by the always dependable Doug Moench, with pencils by the equally trustworthy Barry Kitson (unless he's drawing the current Legion of Super-Heroes--oh, that bitterness again!). The story deals with an alternate origin for Batman--instead of having Bruce Wayne's parents shot dead by an anonymous crook in Crime Alley, this time they're murdered because they're archaeologists who have found something that could mean 'a complete revision of accepted Egyptology'. It's a cartouche of a heretofore unknown Egyptian god called Nekhrun--a god of darkness who dresses like a bat.

Bruce then uses the symbol on the cartouche as his own as he becomes Batman. In an odd choice, Moench also tells the story from waaaay back when the Egyptian gods walked the earth, and of their own politics and influence on humankind. We see the machinations of Set against those of Osiris and Isis--the latter want the best for Man in light of an upcoming disaster, and Set doesn't. This is very much Chariots of the God stuff, so if you find that laughable, you won't buy the premise.I admit it does seem out of place in a Batman story, but Moench does make it work.

In the present day, Bruce Wayne becomes involved with a new threat to humanity, which has ties to his mysterious cartouche and Egyptology. Moench has done his research, with some nice bits about the Great Pyramid and the traps and puzzles hidden within (all based on true fact.) Batman: Book of The Dead does come across as Moench indulging himself in a favourite pastime--conspriacy theories and Egyptology, which since I share the same interests, made this book very enjoyable. It probably could have done without the Batman connection, but back then, as now, anything with the Dark Knight on it sells, so there you go. An interesting remix on what can be called a tired theme.

The Vidja

I'm not sure why, but somehow 'video games' in my home have been shortened/transmogrified/metamorphosed into being called 'vidja'. Perhaps this is some Gibsonian sci-fi shorthand that will take over the world. Or--as I suspect--not.

So, in my home, Cher will often turn to me and say, "Are you playing vidja tonight?" And as I often reply: "Oh, probably."

As I come to the end of my two week vacation, here is my 'vidja' update.

I have made it to the fourth mission in Starcraft. Please, don't ascribe this to my Jedi like abilities in RTS games. Starcraft is just very forgiving. And while out at Chapters tonight, I noticed there are several Starcraft novels. This makes me both sad and excited. Which is sad.

Baton Kaitos is turning out to be a joy. An RPG that employs card based battles--with a very strong focus on cooking--can't help but be a joy. It just can't. I've never played a card based game before, but this one seems deranged enough to satisfy me. I'm still trying to use my Secret Recipe card with either my Green Banana card or Black Banana card to see what happens. So far, nothing. But I did get a Cheese card. That must count for something.

I have not been able to get back to New Super Mario Brothers since Cher has taken it over to defeat Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow, which she did last night. Since she is now fully in love with Dan Simmons' Hyperion, perhaps I may have a chance at the DS again. She was very enthusiastic whilst reading tonight. And a bit drunk, but that's okay. I'll never complain when my wife is drunk.

X:Men: Like Heroin

Dear Lord. I now get three X-Men books. I was curious to see what Mike Carey would do with his new tenure on the adjectiveless X-Men, and to my horror, liked it. Both his and Brubaker's Uncanny X-Men, along with Kirkman's equally superb Ultimate X-Men, remind me a fair deal of my heyday with the mutants, back in the mid to late Eighties. Damn their eyes!

Carey is now two issues into his Supernova storyline, which is focussing on a non-human, non-mutant team of assassins trying to cause a rift between humanity and mutantkind--by killing lots of people and augmenting video to make it look like the X-Men did it. They've even gone and rescued Northstar and Aurora from obscurity (some would say well deserved) to side with them. A Canada shout out. Yay!

Carey has an interesting X-Men team. Like Brubaker, he's eschewing the old tried and true team of Cyclops, Jean, Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Colossus. Good for him. His team includes Rogue, Mystique, Sabretooth (seen above--possibly Wolverine's dad?), Cannonball, Cable and Iceman. So, two villians who could turn at any moment. Nice. There is also a space substory, which ended with a Shi'ar ship being blown to hell by the usual Mysterious Force. Not sure if this ties in with Brubaker's space opera over in Uncanny or not.

A good read.



Civil War #3

I'm enjoying this, but only if I ignore the complete rewrites of main characters' personalities. I still don't buy Spider-Man selling out, and I don't buy Reed Richards not being overly concerned that his brother in law--the Human Torch--is in a coma because of anti-hero beating by a mob. And I really, REALLY don't buy the appearance of Thor at this issue's end--on the side of the government. That is almost as bad as Spidey becoming a Republican lapdog.

Still, Millar writes Captain America very well. I especially liked his turning on Spider-Man and asking him if his wife likes the fact that the Sandman now knows her zip code. The art is amazing, the colours are a delight--a good visual book, but I'm hoping everyone turns out to be mind controlled, or this is a Marvel Universe that I'm not sure I know--or even like--anymore.



Star Wars: Rebellion #4

Okay, we all know that nothing is going to upset the applecart with Luke, Leia and Co. in this series, set in between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back.. But writer Rob Williams has introduced characters that can be messed over, like Deena the Neurotic Rebel Agent and Tank--Luke's buddy from Tatooine who signed up with the Imperials, and now sees Luke as a traitor.

This story involves Tank's revenge on Luke, which relies heavily on Luke being an idiot. Faking leaving the Empire, Tank has himself beaten and sends a message to Luke to please rescue him. Leia sees through it, and tells Luke to forget any rescue attempt. Luke--as usual--does what he wants anyway. The story ends with the Rebellion fleet in a small spot of bother, let's say. And Leia in need of a bacta tank.

Williams makes some good points, writing Tank as a very sympathetic character. Unlike Luke at this point, Tank has seen his fair share of battlefields, and is horrified by Luke's gloating over his destruction of the Death Star. Tank thinks of all the good men who died there--men who aren't necessarily evil,but are simply doing what they think is right, men who aren't sadistic or cruel, but signed up with the Imperials out of duty. As we've seen, Tank is a good man, tormented by the fact that maybe, just maybe, he signed up with the wrong side. We've seen him stop the rape of Rebellion prisoners, and we've seen him devastated by the loss of his men. Beside him, Luke does come off as a tool.

Oddly, we haven't seen Han yet, who may have offset Luke's warfare enthusiasm. Hopefully we'll see him soon. Some very nice art just makes this a very decent Star Wars book. Excuse me while I geek out. Or is it too late?

I Think I'm In Love

Sarah Silverman is one of the reasons this planet should keep on existing. By turns vile, obscene, and oh-so-fucking-funny, I would happily pledge my troth to her--if I wasn't already married to an equally vile, funny, sarcastic brunette.

In fact, I think Cher and Sarah should have a comedy cage match. The world could only benefit.

Assorted Moanings

It's one of those days when I think I really should have finished university, gone to teacher's college, and got myself locked into a teaching job that--as everyone knows--destroys your soul but guarantees you one helluva pension.

Spent the weekend with my fellow non-degree refugees: we all have extremely dead end jobs (one just had her entire department wiped out due to budget cuts, finding out--as everyone always does--on a Friday). My one friend has managed to land a job at a grad school in Vancouver, and she's doing filing and documentation for additional dosh. She's the luckiest of all, but then, it's more a decent working environment rather than a Scrooge McDuck paycheque. The idea that any of us could retire--let alone take a vacation--is laughable. We all live in dire terror of pet illness, car trouble, or house repairs. When a teacher friend asked me to meet up with him in New York next month, he seemed perplexed as to why I couldn't. It just baffled him. Surely I had a few thousand or so sitting in the bank, didn't I?

Funny old world. And it's just made worse when I hear that a writer for a local video game making company--one that makes a very popular fighting game--is apparently being 'troublesome' and doesn't do second drafts, all while being paid $200,000 a year.

Funny. Old. World.

But enough moaning. I am on vacation--and I've managed to empty enough jeans to go rent a movie. No idea what to see. Go for the lechery of Underworld: Kate's Leather Clad Ass or do I finally give in and watch Narnia? Decisions, decisions. If only my tape of Doctor Who: Season Two--procured by fellow Time Lord devotees in Toronto--would arrive. Sigh. If only.

Insert Transformer Sound Here!

It's always the same on the message boards, be it Outpost Gallifrey or MillarWorld--someone will tentatively raise their hands and ask: "Is anyone here reading Transformers?"

It's like they expect to be hit. But then the response is always the same: HELL YES!



The latest issue--Part One of Stormbringer--is just continuing the pure fun that began with Infiltration. Writer Simon Furman has taken what should be something absolutely laughable and made it into one of the more enjoyable comics on the stands today. In this latest mini-series--each ties into the other, but it's not necessary to read them all to enjoy each series--the story takes place on Cybertron, roughly during the later stages of Infiltration. The hero this time around seems to be Jetfire, dealing with the horrors of a Cybertron devastated by the Autobot/Decepticon wars. So, here we have a story about giant robots dealing with ecological apocalypse. I liked it already. Furman makes the story and dialogue far smarter than one would expect--in fact, this is really a decent science fiction story in its own right. And the art-by Don Figuerda--is very impressive.

So yes: it's good. And to satisfy the more obessive Transformers fans, you can also expect to see Nosecone, Strafe, Afterburner, Optimus Prime, and a surprise flashback starring Megatron. And the big baddie, hiding in the bowels of Cybertron? Is none other than...naw, that would be telling.

Only Decepticons give away endings.

It Wasn't Her!

Yes. One of the Runaways did die. But it wasn't Nico, my most favourite Goth sorceroress in the whole wide world. It was one of my least favourite team members, but the death still carried a helluva punch. The story kept you guessing (and dreading) through the entire issue, wondering which one of them was going for the dirt nap.

But it wasn't Nico. But I'm still (sniff) sad.

It's 'Here Comes Your Man' Day!

But it is. Really. Everyone knows July 21, 2006 is the world wide day we appreciate the pop goodness that is the Pixies 'Here Comes Your Man'.

And here is a fantastic cover, done by a bunch of middle aged Canadian guys in their living room. I have no idea who they are, but they, as the kids used to say, rock.

A First!

Over at my brother's tonight, enjoying the joy that is Super Monkey Ball and Super Smash Brothers with our respective mates: his girlfriend Erin eagerly grabbed my Nintendo DS and fell in love with New Super Mario Brothers. ("I could play this all day at work!" she said with the joy of revelation.)

As we took a break to let our thumbs heal, the house was buffeted by sound from outside. Show Me The Way, to be more precise. A block away, Peter Frampton was giving a concert in Harris Park. A man I'd only heard on 8-tracks and oldies radio was now making a living room I was sitting in shudder.

Never had that happen before. It's what makes life worth living, isn't it?

Kinda.

Hey Kids! Comics! Mortgage The House!

Damn things are piling up again, demanding to be reviewed....

Green Lantern Corps #2

--Damn, this is a beautful book. As everyone knows--even my therapist--I'm all about the Lanterns. This book deals with the Corps itself, and is one very nice bit of space opera. Even though Dave Gibbons can be hit and miss with me, he definitely falls in the 'hit' side here, and Patrick Gleason's art makes me happy me love comics. The panel where Guy Gardner and Natu (she's the pink woman above) fly into a planet's atmosphere...it belongs on the side of a van. The story follows a few plotlines--from Natu and Gardner investigating what may be a Lantern homicide from a royal fanboy to Lantern Vath dealing with his anger. Just good, solid comics. Recommended. Heartily.

Green Lantern #12

--Geoff Johns continues to redeem himself by giving us the Hal Jordan stories we all knew were in him. The reveal of Hank Henshaw (the cyborg Superman from the please-can-we-forget-it Death of Superman storyline)being behind the revival of the Manhunters is trumped even more by some of the Lanterns Hal killed when he was being editorially raped...I mean, when he was Parallax...are turning out not to be as dead as once feared. Among them? Arisia, Hal's lost love. While not as spectacular as Green Lantern Corps, it's still good.

The Next #1

--This is Tad Williams' (author of fantasy novels Memory, Sorrow and Thorn, Otherland and currently Shadowmarch) foray into DC Comics, telling a story about some interdimensional teenagers getting into scrapes and moral quandries here on Earth. I enjoyed it immensely, but I'm biased: Tad is a friend, and I helped out a wee bit with research regarding the Legion of Super-Heroes. Tad's take on Superman is perhaps the most Silver Age we've seen outside of Grant Morrison these days, and I hope we can see Tad do other DC heroes. The man loves comics, and it shows. Lucky bastard.

Speaking of which....

Supergirl and The Legion of Super-Heroes #20

--Okay, who didn't see this coming? When Lightning Lad signed that agreement with the authoritarian United Planets, apparently...wait for it.. he didn't read it! HA HA! Comedy gold! So now, the UP can make commercials showing the Legion to be kiss asses who love authority! HA HA! How do they come up with this?

Deep sigh.

Still, not a bad issue, but still Legion fails to captivate. Writer Mark Waid has some nice science fiction ideas tossed in, and does a very nice job explaining where 'Big City'--the home of Colossal Boy--comes from (it involves a Bizarro Brainiac, which is commendable), and he moves the turgid Brainiac Five Resurrects Dead Dream Girl plotline along, even if it involves an unwanted reference to the deadly dull L.E.G.I.O.N. series of the late Eighties and Nineties. (Brainy thinks he can resurrect Dream Girl because he threw her into his Coluan force field at the precise time of her death, thus sealing in her soul. And he's the scientist on the team!) And I felt sick when Cosmic Boy wondered if he was falling love with Supergirl. Oh, man! Must we walk that road? Yes, she's adorable, but Waid writes her like a moron. I'd rather Cos suddenly decide he loves Atom Girl. Those sex scenes would at least be interesting.

Sadly, the art is a bit uneven, with little evidence of Barry Kitson again. The problems with this revamp are the crap idea behind it (the last incarnation of the Legion was far stronger and likable), and it seems everyone is just losing steam. I predict Waid will be gone soon, leading us to yet another revamp.



Star Wars Legacy #2

--Much better than the first issue, even if cover artist Adam Hughes makes Cade Skywalker look like the lead singer of Nickelback. Cade Skywalker is just a bastard, which is so nice to see. Apparently there must be some Solo in this boy somewhere. The story introduces Darth Talon, Darth Krayt's new 'Hand' (Chief assassin to us mere mortals), who kills her own Sith master and takes out an Imperial Jedi all in one issue. (Yes, we have Imp Jedi now. Whole new SW ballgame here.)

We also see Cade take in a bounty with his predicatably gorgeous fellow bounty hunter Delilah Blue and rasta buddy Syn, where he tries to save a Jedi, but instead, doesn't. "It's a hard galaxy," he mutters when the Bothan Jedi pleads for his life. No panty waist Luke here, kids. Cade's a hardass.

Lots of fun, with a much needed breath of fresh air to the Star Wars saga.

Knights of the Dinner Table #113

--A typically enjoyable issue of this gaming mag. Some uneven editing in some of the fan-written departments (Kenzerco should try and clean up these things, instead of apparently just cutting and pasting), but Jolly's strip--dealing in detail with the problems of the fabled Dungeons and Dragons item The Deck of Many Things--is a quiet classic. Lost Game Safari was especially good this month, with a look at the old Avalon Hill board game Circus Maximus. But Tony DiGerolamo's Lookin' At Comics was simply dire: he now has taken to reviewing series by just apparently picking issues at random without reading previous issues or even learning more about the series in question. I find it amateurish and petty, which he really should just leave to me. The fact he writes for the Bart Simpson comic
makes me question my adoration for Bongo Comics.



Uncanny X-Men #476

Ed Brubaker made me do it. I adore his work on Daredevil and Captain America, as readers here--all three of you!--know. So that's why I picked up a mainstream X-Men comic for the first time in years...and you know? He made it painless. Brubaker has put together a very original team (Warpath, Polaris, Havok, Professor X, Rachel Summers and Nightcrawler) and shot them out into space in a giant, year long space opera epic called The Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire.. Some great art by Billy Tan, great dialogue and plot by Brubaker--and it's the early Eighties again. X-Fans are being spoiled: Joss Whedon just finishes his superb Astonishing X-Men run, and we now we get Eddie Boy.

But let us not forget...

Ultimate X-Men #72

Kirkman continues his own non-outer space goodness with his take on the melancholy mutants. This is the first part of the 'Magical' storyline, where we learn more about the impossibly powered mutant Magician. The guy can do anything--of course there's something wrong with him. Even Kitty seemed to have her pants charmed off by him--well,not literally, because she's going out with Spider-Man right now (this is the Ultimate Universe, remember: both Kitty and Spidey are only fifteen.) Kirkman has done some nice work here, from everyone convinced Jean Grey's Phoenix powers are only mental illness, to Kurt Wagner being deeply upset with Colossus' homosexuality, and now the growing mystery of Magician. (To be fair, I could care less about him. You know he's got either villian or DirtNap written all over him.) I just love Kirkman's banter between X-Men, and his perfect portrayal of Kitty. Not even Claremont can write Kitty correctly anymore (I think he had her running for town council at one point--was that before or after she jumped the shark?). But then, I adore Kirkman regardless. Fanboy squee!

And that's enough for now. My wallet is still screaming in pain.

Procrastinating Treasures

I'm supposed to be writing--I mean, Julius is supposed to be writing--Saturday's Free Press column. So of course I found this instead.

Much fun.

Failure Can Be Fun!

It's been months since I've been at the dojo. So I thought I'd just take a few beginner classes, get my mojo going again, try to remember some of the techniques. So imagine my horror at being schooled by two newbie yellow belts, because I couldn't remember a damn thng. Mace of Aggression? Wasn't that a D and D weapon? Evading The Storm? Isn't that what umbrellas are for?

Before I was taking Advanced classes. Now I'm busted back to remedial. Kevin--someone I used to train with back when I was ninja--looked disgusted. He was teaching the class, and seemed horrified that I was lost in Kali One, couldn't remember all of Yawara...ugh. I think I put kenpo back six years just by going. Still, I enjoyed the cardio and bag work. But I'm probably stuck with the newbies until my sensei thinks I can take Advanced again without bringing the class to a screeching halt.

You shoulda seen me back in my ninja days. Dodging shuriken, running on walls...sigh. Those were the days.

My Starcraft Battle Chest arrived! So far, I'm on my second mission. Having never played a RTS before, I'm finding this one fun. It's takes you on baby steps through a tutorial ('Boot Camp')before moving onto the first mission--'Wasteland'. I haven't had too much battle yet--most of it has been resource gathering, building troops, and fulfilling mission objectives. Considering I'm a RTS moron, I do have an odd feeling of achievement here. (Although I did just have a battle with the Zerg, and lost six of my eight marines. Oops.)

Gamewise, I'm also spending my precious vacation hours with Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (made it to the Tower of the Gods!) and the goofy fun that is Baten Kaitos. You have to love a hero that loots bodies of fallen comrades, justifying it by saying 'I don't hear them complaining.'

Firsts And Stuff

On vacation. Two weeks away from work hell. Two firsts planned, one already confirmed by the good people at Amazon.

My Starcraft Battle Chest is set to arrive within a few days. I have never played a RTS. I am excited at the new possibilities of failure. As I pine for the day when I can afford to upgrade my computer to play World of Warcraft, I hope this will satsify my PC gaming needs for awhile.

Second first: I intend to write my first mystery short story. The entire thing downloaded into my head this afternoon, and as cerebral first drafts go, it seems fairly solid. The story will be called The Ring of Truth, and I hope to have it done in the next two weeks.

I'm excited by both of these things. I've never written a mystery before, and I've never commanded a futuristic army. This is what vacations are for.

Anime My Enemy

Watched a ton of television yesterday. Well, if three hours of time can be said to have a weight, then I'm assuming it would weigh close to a ton. For me, anyway. Watched Episode Two of Season Three of Spooks--which was superb. I then tried to become of a member of MI5 here--did well on the polygraph, not so good on the bomb defusion.

Then it was onto anime. Herein are my reviews. With lots of screaming and big eyes.

Slayers Try Episode One: Majestic? Set Sails For The Journey!

I'm not crazy about Slayers. This third season does seem better than the previous, especially in the action scenes. I always hated how they used to cheap out on fighting scenes by using a static shot and then slowly rotating it. Here, we have an actual not-bad sorcery battle at sea involving a golden dragon with a bowtie on its tail. Which rocks, come to think of it.

The story--are there stories in Slayers?--deals with the magical barrier falling that has kept the Slayers and everyone else cut off from the rest of their world. So now our screaming, dysfunctional heroes are off to investigate, and hopefully stave off any invasions.

I don't appreciate the humour in this anime--which is lots of screaming, slapstick, and did I mention screaming?--but it's hard to look away. It's such a staple of anime, you simply have to watch.

Gantz Episode Nine: I Will Kill You Without A Moment's Hesitation

Fuck, this is dark. The story here is that people who die violently find themselves reincorporated in a room with a giant black ball, which gives them missions to kill aliens in Tokyo. They are given no training, no real direction, and if they stray too far away from their target, their heads explode. Add to this that most of the people reincorporated are scumbags of the first order--even the lead character, Kei, is a pervert who buys a porn mag before he dies. He's spent most of the series staring at the large breasts of fellow revenant (courtesy of suicide) Kishimoto. And he's one of the nice ones.

This episode has a new bunch of revenants turning up in the black ball room, (since most of the previous ones are dead), including a bunch of would be rapist bikers, a grandmother and her grandson, and a goth girl. This episode deals with the revenants arguing with one another, as Kei shits himself because he's lost his Gantz suit, which means he'll probably die as well.

Yet again, Kishimoto's boobs play a role here, as she once again changes near the bikers, leading to yet another near rape.The distasteful joke of the dog (for some reason, a dog is among the revenants) runs and laps at Kishimoto's private areas, to which she just screams helplessly. This must be a cultural joke that just doesn't translate.

The episode ends with everyone being transported to the alien they have to kill, who looks like Pinocchio and has a thing for eggs.

Gantz is very dark, but has some of the best animation I've seen recently. The story is so non-heroic, so edgy, with characters that are just disgusting when they're not unlikeable. Again, I keep watching just wondering where it's going. Apparently, this show was hammered by Japanese censors when it aired in Japan. It's not hard to see why.

Dai-Guard Episode Twenty Six: Victory Song For Tomorrow

Damn. This is final episode of Dai-Guard. I loved this series, even though I seem to be in the minority. The story--a giant robot used as a publicity stunt by a corporation is brought in to fight evil aliens, manned by office workers who have to be careful not to damage the robot, since the corporation can't afford to keep repairing it--was just priceless. The series was both exciting, funny, with characters that were--unlike previous anime listed--you couldn't help liking. Unlike Neon Genesis Evangelion,, there was none of that angsty-angst and direness involved: everyone here just loved their giant robot Dai-Guard.

Now all I have left for my giant robot fix is Godannar. Now you see why I'm so sad, because everyone knows Godannar is crap unless you live alone in your parent's basement with piles upon piles of big boob pornography mags. Which may explain why it's so popular.

I Think I'm Mid -Afternoon Watch

Now this I liked.

Finally found a copy of this film, after hearing so much about it. NIGHT WATCH was released in Russia in 2004, and tells the story of a modern day Moscow where a treaty forged between Light and Dark creatures is still in effect, the treaty being enforced by organizations on both sides of the agreement. The forces of good are called the Night Watch, who keep an eye on the Dark monsters, making sure vampires don't feed without licences, eat humans, etc. The opposing organization is called the Day Watch. See how that works?

This film has it all: vampires, shapeshifters (with a really great transformation scene that relies more on camerawork and acting than tons and tons of SFX money), incredibly fast trucks that must have amazing brakes, prophetic video games, and the nastiest sword you will see in your lifetime.

I snatched this up as soon as I found it. I suggest that if your tastes run to the dark--like HELLBOY and B.P.R.D.--you should, too.

JPod--Do You Ever Get The Feeling You've Been Cheated?

I really wanted to like this. But I didn't. Not at all.

As I read this, I kept thinking: If anyone else other than Douglas Coupland had submitted this as a first novel, it would have been in the circular file so fast it would have set speed records.

To set the stage for this review, let me first say that I am a Coupland fan. My favourite book of his was Microserfs,with Shampoo Planet coming a very close second. and while I haven't kept up with his work, what I have read, I've liked. So when I heard his latest book was about characters working in a gaming company, I was excited. Gaming is one of my passions (when I have time for passions), and since I thought Microserfs really gave a good picture of what life as a coder was like, I thought he would do the same here for people working in the gaming industry.

But he doesn't. In fact, the whole gaming aspect seems tagged on. Instead, Coupland seems far more interested in farcical subplots, ranging from grow-ops, Chinese gangsters, heroin addicted executives who find their true selves whacked out on junk, and in irritating art designs shoved in throughout the book. (For example, Coupland is fond of filling pages with Pi and oversized text pieces. Very arty. But I didn't buy Jpod for art: I wanted a story.) The worst part, though, was Coupland going meta and putting himself into the book. At that point, I gave up on trying to suspend my disbelief, and just saw it as Coupland cynically filling up the pages.

To me, it seemed that Coupland lost interest in the book a long time ago. Instead of letting characters and situations grow, he instead keeps moving the story ahead. So while we see two characters dancing around with infatuation with one another, Coupland then moves the story ahead so they're now living together. We have no idea of how they fell in love, or what that was like. It isn't important to the story, apparently. In fact, I'm not really sure what Coupland thought was important.

The story jags and veers everywhere, and defies you to care. It's meta for meta's sake, and even ends on a meta note. It shows how clever Coupland thinks he is, and I'm sure the Canadian literary scene will nod approvingly while they sip their lattes and tune into the CBC. But I was very disappointed.

JPod is one of the few books I will consider selling. I hated it that much. In the words of John Lydon, "Do you ever get the feeling you've been cheated?"

Metal And Me

Cher and I watched Metal: A Headbanger's Journey
last night. A fairly good film for those who love the metal. Because I'm a geek, I would have preferred more of a focus on the power metal bands, like Gamma Ray and Testament, than all the glam rock shit best (or worst?) exemplified by bands like Skid Row and Poison. Fuck, they were terrible. But the film excelled in showing the love metal fans have for their music. It comes as no surprise just how gentle and polite most of the metal performers are: Bruce Dickinson is as eloquent as ever, Tony Iommi is the perfect English gentlemen, and even the bad boys of Slayer...really aren't. Some of the great scenes include Ronnie James Dio showing off his heavy metal swords, then in the next scene is petting his Siamese cat in a to-die for kitchen in his home. Dee Snider seems to be reliving his glory days a wee bit too much--as influential as he may think Twisted Sister was, I still link them with the glam crowd--TS only had a better hit single. Geddy Lee was his usual affable, perfect self, and even the clowns from Slipknot had some fairly decent insights into why it is metal is so popular with the outsiders of society.

Not many people know that Cher is a diehard, devil sign waving metalhead from back in the day. She was the perfect teenage rebel--black eyeliner, black leather jacket, with a collection of Maiden and Sabbath to rival the most dyed in the denim rocker. She has seen Black Sabbath, with Dio on vocals. She adored the film, and has said if Maiden ever came through Ontario again, she would be so there.

Me? I have never considered myself first and foremost a metal fan, but my library often speaks otherwise. I adore System of a Down, which I see as metal being advanced, building on the intelligence of Maiden with more of a political angle being introduced. I love the old Black Sabbath, and have a soft spot for aforementioned power metal bands like Gamma Ray. I've not yet made my peace with the 'growling' form of vocals very popular with metal bands today--I'm trying, but I'm not there yet. My favourite metal albums would include the very rare Music From The Elder by Kiss, Moving Pictures by Rush, and Odin Owns Ye All by Einherjer.

The above pictured album is currently blasting away my foundations. I love the Maiden as well, and Bruce Dickinson's Rock Show on BBC Radio 6 is a constant here in Casa Twist.

Friday Burn Out

Five Inkblogs in five days, plus a column, and I spent an hour today signing copies of The London Reader
,which has my 'Geekness On The Edge of Town' piece in it. Am tired. Require no brain activity, alcoholic beverages and imminent collapse into beloved's arms. Makes me wonder why being mentally tired feels so shitty, but being physically wiped out is almost a high.

Treated myself to Hellboy:Seeds of Destruction for tonight. Hope everyone gets tomorrow's Inkblog, but fear they won't. Must...sleep.

Not Her!

Comics round up! Hide the littl'uns!

Runaways #17--This is the second last chapter of the 'Parental Guidance' storyline, in which (get ready) the 'ways battle a younger version of the father of the teammate who betrayed them. No, it works, really. Both the teammate and the father are dead, but a bunch of misfits managed to contact the Young Dad and bring him from the Eighties to the Oughts. Things go bad for the 'Ways, and apparently, one of them dies at the end of this issue. Of course, it's my favourite character--Nico, the little goth teenage witch. But I don't think she's dead, since it wasn't a killing shot (right shoulder) and she's magic and shit. But someone is slated to die--I just hope it isn't her.

Daredevil #86--Daredevil. Bullseye. A prison riot. All while the Punisher reads in his cell. Superb. Just...superb.

Brave New World #1--This is an eighty page giant comic put out by DC Comics for the overwhelming price of one dollar. It serves to dish out samplers of six new books DC is putting out in the new future. Let's take a look--

Martian Manhunter--never liked the character, and this doesn't change my opinion.

OMAC--I am so sick of the OMACs. Just nauseous. And while Renato Guedes draws some very beautiful women, I just can't get past being SICK OF THE OMACS!

Uncle Sam and The Freedom Fighters--The old DC fan in me likes this. Daniel Acuna has to learn how to draw Phantom Lady's breasts a bit better--they ain't zeppelins, unless she's developed new powers I'm not aware of.

The Creeper--Didn't do anything for me.

The All New Atom--This I really liked. A nice mix of martial arts, science, and fantastic action--all taking place in the President's rug. It's from Gail Simone, whose Birds of Prey has been one of my favourite comics for years. This book looks like it'll appeal to old time fans who just love to have fun reading comics.

The Power of Shazam--I love Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel Junior and dear old Mary Marvel--but I don't know. Howard Porter is trying out a new art style I'm not sure of, and it looks like writer Judd Winick is rebooting the Marvel mythology yet again. I remain on the fence with this one.

And that's that. Still great value for the price.

New Avengers #21--Oh no! A Civil War crossover! This really should have come out before Civil War #2, since it details Captain America on the run from the guh'ment and trying to find allies. Nice art by Howard Chaykin, but the sense of urgency was dissipated since we already know Cap finds allies because of CW #2. This is what happens when shipping schedules sleep together.

Batman/Superman #27--Look, I'm not a pervert. Really. But this book featured Power Girl and Huntress, drawn by Kevin Maguire. There was beauty. It's also a weird Earth 2 story about the alternate world Batman and Superman (in this world, Power Girl is Superman's cousin and Huntress is Batman's daughter from his marriage to Catwoman). Apparently, to fully understand this I have to read the latest issue of Supergirl. I guess I'll remain confused. Speaking of which...

Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #19--This issue centred on my least favourite Legionnaire: Chameleon. Waid provides a decent 'closed room murder' story, and interweaves it with the much larger robot revolution that's been brewing in the comic of late. Not terribly excited about that one. I did like that the robot god looks like the robot out of Doom Patrol. Why can't we have a Timber Wolf story? Now there's a Legionnaire!

Batman #654
--This was the final issue of the 'Face to Face' storyline. Started so well, ended so blah. Yes, Two Face is back. Big surprise. And the big reveal of who was killing all of Gotham's third rate villians? Someone we've never seen before, which makes us trying to figure out who it is for the past two months more than pointless. But the ending--with Bruce offering to adopt Tim as his son--was a nice moment. So, for the first time ever, Robin will be Batman's son. I like that change to the mythology. Just too bad it had to come at the end of a rather disappointing--but nice looking--story.

Funny Where You End Up

Found a quote from my Globe piece awhile back here. Funny where you end up.

Watched the England/Portugal game. Wayne Rooney is a thug and got what he deserved. Portugal made me ill with their constant diving and screaming for mommy, but the better team did win. I will now support Portugal, only because of the histrionics.

Received an email from Tad--his DC Comic comes out this month, called The Next. He sent me the whole synopsis about a year ago, and I read through it: it should be a hit with people who currently enjoy Runaways--like me. He has a great artist, and he gets to play with Superman. He also said he's sending up his latest collection of short stories, so I look forward to that. He makes me feel lazy, but also reminds me that sometimes, just sometimes, being a writer works out.

I have changed the title of my novel from The Devil Wore Linux to something even more original. It is now called....wait for it...
...still waiting?....MY FIRST NOVEL.

You just can't buy that type of genius.